I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
