i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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