My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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