Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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