there's paper in my vomit.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
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