Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Randomize
