While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
