I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
