just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
