Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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