There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
