my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
