so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
