you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
