my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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