chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
