I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
