I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize