That's when you crack a 10am beer
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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