Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
