she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
My liver just had a heart attack.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
