The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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