You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
