Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
