I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
