My nipple is on Facebook.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Randomize
