I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
