She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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