I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
