I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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