T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
