at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
