I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
