$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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