we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
