i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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