Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
