I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
So I just went to clothing optional bar
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
