I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
