you traded sex for a burrito?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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