i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
