hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Text me some of your sweat
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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