3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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