You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize