No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just puked most of my soul out..
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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