my vag is so smooth its legendary
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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