I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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