Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
we're so committed to being not committed
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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