just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
