he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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