you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize