Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
