ADVERTISEMENT

• (410): View more from Maryland

  In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"

  Fav 23 1790 8110

  share tweet
  

• (203): View more from Connecticut

  dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me

  Fav 40 3767 5453

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (440): View more from Ohio

  I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.

  Fav 7 1181 3296

  share tweet
  

• (419): View more from Ohio

  I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

  Fav 46 9163 1685

  share tweet
  

• (682): View more from Texas

  While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.

  Fav 12 1422 4408

  share tweet
  

• (316): View more from Kansas

  I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people

  Fav 0 495 342

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (314): View more from Missouri

  He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.

  Fav 3 543 158

  share tweet
  

• (931): View more from Tennessee

  Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars

  Fav 0 161 107

  share tweet
  

• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.

  Fav 0 49 27

  share tweet
  

• (808): View more from Hawaii

  I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver

  Fav 1 33 10

  share tweet
  

• (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.

  Fav 2 25 38

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (417): View more from Missouri

  Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?

  Fav 0 38 9

  share tweet
  

• (530): View more from California

  THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.

  Fav 0 44 6

  share tweet
  

• (405): View more from Oklahoma

  may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.

  Fav 0 7 42

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (626): View more from California

  I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.

  Fav 0 52 10

  share tweet
  

Randomize