I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
