I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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